Forget
by HmGirly
Summary: I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for what happened.


**I'm in an extreme angst mood at the moment. I've never really written anything like this before – and I'm not sure how it turned out. You tell me :)**

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**Forget.**

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It doesn't take much to break a heart like mine.

That's the only thing I've really learnt out of all this. Sure, I went through your average stages – there was the initial denial. The complete shock. The intense depression. The pure, unfiltered rage. But when I recovered, I set myself straight up for it to happen again.

He went back to her.

While all this time... I've been certain that he was coming back to me.

I think that was the only thing that kept me going, in a way. The only thing that kept me greeting the morning with a smile, and going to bed with a burning glimmer of hope, just inches out of my reach.

Funny, how it could take something as simple as a few words to extinguish that hope completely.

Goddess, no, it isn't easy. The nights seem to get longer and colder, sending me spiralling into fitful dreams where all I can see is _them_, together. Then the day comes, and far from offering some relief, I really do have to see them together.

They try not to flaunt their relationship in front of me, but they can't hide _every_ little touch, or every sidewards glance that shows how in love they really are.

The worst part is that day always follows night, and night always follows day. There's no medium where I can escape, even for a moment. My dreams won't let me be, and my eyes – though I try my hardest not to watch them – won't let me look away. My mind won't stop thinking about him.

There's just this... constant, gnawing, dull pain that can overcome you in waves when you least expect it, and over the _stupidest _things. I can see them kissing, or listen through a whole conversation about them while forcing a smile – and then I'll see something idiotic, like a pineapple, and there's nothing in the world that can stop the tears flowing.

It wouldn't hurt so bad if he'd chosen someone else. But the fact that he chose Claire – my best friend, the girl that _I_ introduced to him – hurts more than anything else in this whole twisted mess. Because I can't hate her. And I sure as anything can't hate him. Which leaves me with nobody to hate for what happened, except myself.

My brother tells me I'm better off without 'that sleaze', but poor Rick really doesn't have a clue. He has Karen, and he's always had Karen. There's never been anyone else for either of them. That's the danger of falling in love with a traveller, I suppose – there's no way you can know who he's meeting while he's away, and no way you can possibly compete.

I thought I was hurting the first time I saw him with Claire. I guess I was right to be mad – he'd made me a promise, to an extent. There was _some _sort of agreement there. It wasn't Claire's fault; she didn't know. How could she know? I'd never spoken to her about it. Our relationship needed to be a secret, to keep my brother out of our hair.

Then they had 'that' fight, and instead of being the friend I should have and comforting Claire, I went straight to comfort Kai. I let him use me as his rebound, knowing fully well that was all that I was.

All I ever would be.

I tried to ignore it when I saw Claire walk past us, her eyes red and her head ducked. I tried to ignore the way Kai stiffened, and squeezed my hand just that little bit tighter, his lips pressed together like he was trying to hold in a scream whenever he saw her like that. I tried so, so hard, and eventually I managed to push it into the back of my consciousness. It was still there, niggling, but never the initial thing on my mind. I had Kai back, and I didn't need anyone else.

It's almost embarrassing to remember the way I acted – cheerful, bubbly. Everything was right in my world, and it didn't really matter that both his world and her world were falling apart. I still remember those whispered words, hissed by the gossips in the square as I walked past to go to the beach.

"Selfish."

"Temptress."

"Backstabber."

I still remember the reproachful, sad look in my mother's eyes when I chattered on about Kai, never sparing a thought for Claire.

But most of all, I remember Kai's face. His broken spirit – those ghosts in his dark eyes. He knew that he was doing the wrong thing, for himself, for her, and for me. Haunted.

He asked me to leave with him, when he thought their relationship was irreparable. Kai just wanted to get away – not from her, but from the pain that came with seeing her. It took him awhile to realise that being away from her would only make it worse.

He loved Claire. He once told me that he never thought he could really fall in love, with just one girl, but he could. Did. And the day he realised that was the day that the lies ended.

I was heading towards the pier, on the last day of Summer. Kai was leaving, and I was saying goodbye. I'd told him that I couldn't leave, with the slightest hope that maybe he'd stay. But when I got to the beach, I was met with a sight... that I really wish I'd never seen.

"Come with me," he was begging. "Please, Claire."

She shook her head. "I can't trust you."

"You've got to believe me this time. I love you."

"And what about Popuri?" she half-whispered, turning away from him and wiping her eyes. "What's she to you?"

"Nothing, Claire."

I couldn't watch any more. I ran away, back to my house, and collapsed on my bed. I didn't get up, didn't eat, for days. I let my mother get even sicker with worrying. They sent the doctor up to examine me, but I refused to speak.

It was through Rick that I finally heard the news. Kai hadn't left. He was marrying Claire in a week.

He'd stay for her. He wouldn't for me.

I knew him first, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I loved him more. And it sure doesn't mean that he'd automatically love _me_ more.

Life goes on, but it doesn't always get easier. You can't stop the days from passing. And if you try to change the lives of others... the consequences... can be devastating.

"_Nothing, Claire."_ Those words still send a shiver through my heart. He meant them. I'd ruined our friendship through my actions, and now... I literally _was_ nothing to him.

I think I can honestly say that even if I did leave this town, I wouldn't forget him.

That's not to say I wouldn't want to. I _know_ that my life would be that much easier if I'd never met him.

I blame myself for everything. I couldn't have stopped them from falling in love, but I could have stopped my own behaviour before it was too late.

I've been able to make some people believe that I don't care anymore. I don't think that Claire and Kai know how I feel, all this time later. I don't think my Mom knows, and I don't think Rick knows.

But... I can't fool myself.

... Again.


End file.
